We all stereotype, and I get that. But, one sterotype about psychologist that I particularly dislike is the one that we tell everyone to "think positive."

Why does this bother me so much? After all, I am, at heart, an optimist! I do tend to see the good in people, the beneficial possibilities in a bad situation. But do I believe that if my clients just think positively they will feel better? No. Because positive is NOT always best!

Let me explain. I firmly believe in the tenets of cognitive therapy, and one of the most crucial tenets is that irrational ideas are typically the cause of our distressing feelings and behavior. In other words, it is not the breakup of a relationship, but rather irrational thoughts, like “I am unlovable,” that lead to loneliness, hopelessness, and depression.

However, does it makes sense to replace that irrational thought with the thought, “I’m awesome and anyone would be glad to date me"? As you can see, the “positive” thought is equally irrational!

Consider another example. Let’s say a woman believes “all men are pigs." It's easy to see the emotional and behavioral consequences she might suffer, all on the basis of that thought. She will likely be a bitter, angry person, may be anxious or angry around men, and her relationships with male coworkers, friends, or potential dates will suffer. She won’t notice the nice guy at work or the southern gentleman holding the door open for her. Or, if she notices them, she’ll believe they have a “hidden agenda." And that’s just the emotional and behavioral consequences for her. Just imagine the consequences for the men around her!

However, is it reasonable for her to believe “all men are great guys"? This positive, but irrational thought could leave her vulnerable and easily manipulated by a small, but dangerous, percentage of men.

How does this work in real life? Often I ask clients (most of whom are worriers) to replace their worst-case-scenario thoughts with the question, “What’s most likely?” It’s unlikely you are unlovable or the world’s most perfect date. It’s most likely that there’s some people who will be attracted to you and some people who won’t. Same for our male-basher example – All men are not “pigs” (actually, no man is a pig!), and there are lots of good guys in the world. But not every guy is a good guy. What’s most likely is that all people have positive and negative qualities and no group of people can logically be categorized one way.

So the next time you are having trouble thinking positively, just remember you only need to think “most likely." After all, it’s easier for your brain to believe and hang on to something that’s inherently true!

Please add your comments below. Remember: In order to protect your privacy, please use a pseudonym instead of your real name.