My office is a space I endeavor to make peaceful, welcoming, and non-judgemental. It is a place where there is always a box of Kleenex (or two!) at the ready. Not surprisingly, there are myriad of emotions expressed in a therapist's office. What may be surprising is which of these feelings is most common. In my office, the most common emotion I hear about is loneliness.

It seems odd to me that in a world in which we are more connected than ever, we are lonelier than ever. Research confirms that individuals of all ages, across cultures and countries, are experiencing higher rates of loneliness than ever before. Feeling alone is not an insignificant problem. There is good evidence to link social isolation to not only emotional but also health concerns, including premature death.

I the tech age, when we are lonely, we reach out, usually electronically. But researchers have found that people who use multiple social media platforms actually report more symptoms of depression and anxiety. Social media shows us the "highlight reels" of others' lives, and we mistakenly believe everyone else is more fulfilled, more connected, and having more symptoms of depression and anxiety. Social media shows us the "highlight reels" of others' lives, and we mistakenly believe everyone else is more fulfilled, more connected, and having more fun.

From Scientific American :

...more than one-third of Americans over the age of 45 report feeling lonely, with prevalence especially high among those under 25 and over 65 years old. “We live in the most technologically connected age in the history of civilization,” writes the former U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek H. Murthy, “yet rates of loneliness have doubled since the 1980s.”

So, how can we connect? I believe with any problem we must start with a good assessment.

First, ask yourself: "When do you feel lonely?" For some, it is obviously when they come home to an empty apartment, or when they face another day isolated in a cubicle. They are suffering from a lack of interaction in their lives. For others, though, there is a tendency to feel alone when they are with roommates, coworkers, or even loved ones. They may feel their colleagues, their acquaintances, or their spouses don't quite "get" them. They are suffering from a lack of closeness or intimacy in their current relationships. These two problems require two different approaches.

A lack of interaction requires that you get out there. Encourage yourself to start small. Don't expect to make a best friend today, just make a connection. Talk to someone in your class, or someone in the elevator. Smile at others, look for opportunities to connect. Challenge yourself to look beyond differences. Often we only reach out to those who are similar in age, interests, stage of life, economic status, etc. And be careful not to assume that others don't want to talk - most people welcome friendliness, but many people have their own insecurities and fears of reaching out first. In fact, if the above research is true, 3 or 4 out of 10 people you see around you are lonely too!

Make a commitment to yourself to try a new group or activity. We make important connections with others when we pursue our interests and values. Check out meetup.com where you can find everything from dinner clubs, to kayakers, to board game enthusiasts. Or type your location into VolunteerMatch.org ,where you can link up to ways to help others in your community, based on your passions.

The approach is different if you are suffering from a lack of closeness or intimacy in your current relationships. To combat loneliness, you will have to take it upon yourself to move those relationships forward. Do this with positive words, not by complaining about the other person's lack of availability. This week, make it a point to tell three people how they are important to you. Be specific and give an example, such as "You always make things fun - I remember when we were stuck waiting on that bus in college and you had the whole crowd laughing." Remember, Closeness is something that we can foster in relationships - we don't have to wait for it to just happen.

Secondly, tell a spouse, friend, or family member that you value and desire their time. Again, avoid complaining - just state this in a positive way. Instead of "we never talk anymore," say, "Hey Sis, I just called to chat - I miss our long talks and wonder if you have any time to hang out this week?"

One last note of caution: Be judicious in your use of devices and social media. These tools can be great for linking you to meetup groups or reconnecting with old friends; but, they should be a means to an end, not the end itself. Commenting on an Instagram post isnot a substitute for a real relationship!