Jeanne Latiolais, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
PLAYING IT SAFE HOME
Playing it Safe...
How avoiding stress can make social fears grow
"I just don't want to look like an idiot" my client Kate* said. She sat before me, eyes filling with tears. Kate was clearly anxious just thinking about taking on the "experiment" I was suggesting.
Of all the anxieties that I work with, social anxiety may be the most common. We all have some degree of concern about the way in which we will be perceived. We want to be accepted. No one wants to find themselves out on that social limb.
But social phobics deal with the anxiety by playing it safe. Kate, for example, was deathly afraid of making a mistake in front of coworkers. Whether tripping while walking through the breakroom, makinga clerical error, or simply misspeaking in a staff meeting, she had an immobilizing fear of being embarrassed.So, Kate kept to herself at work. She was largely silent in meetings. She reviewed in her mind what she would say before saying it, and went over conversations in her mind at night.
These behaviors were an attempt to make herself more comfortable. Unfortunately, in the long run, this type of phobic avoidance or "safety-blanket" behavior actually increases anxiety. The belief that saying something silly leads to being completely ostracized is an irrational fear. If an irrational fear is never challenged, the fear will grow unchecked. In other words, playing it safe makes the anxiety worse.
Whether the fear is misspeaking, or giving a presentation, or meeting new people, research shows that the key to helping a socially anxious client is directly challenging and disputing negative social expectations and fears.
One of the most effective ways of directly challenging and disputing negative social expectations and fears is using social "experiments" where the fears are directly tested. This may entail having Kate ask for help on an easy assignment or deliberately misspeaking in front of a coworker. The experiment includes predicting ahead of time what will happen and debriefing actual outcomes afterwards. Social myths are debunked and false narratives are challenged. This results in a change in future expectations and behaviors.
Outcomes of these experiments are often very surprising to the social phobic. Kate may see that when she misspoke no one seemed to notice, or a mistake at work actually makes her coworkers seem more helpful and understanding. She may begin to realize that not only are mistakes not catastrophic, they may be neutral or even somewhat positive experiences overall.
But, safety-seeking behaviors can be tricky to sniff out. Many social phobics don't even realize that they engage in them. The key is to find and replace those behavioral and physical safety blankets with true self-confidence.
Consider the following questions:
Taking social risks is frightening when you have been playing it safe. Therapy can help. By using targeted, systematic steps, you will eventually increase your self-confidence instead of merely relying on your safety blankets.
*Kate is not my client's real name. Identifying information and therapy details are changed to protect client confidentiality.
But social phobics deal with the anxiety by playing it safe. Kate, for example, was deathly afraid of making a mistake in front of coworkers. Whether tripping while walking through the breakroom, makinga clerical error, or simply misspeaking in a staff meeting, she had an immobilizing fear of being embarrassed.So, Kate kept to herself at work. She was largely silent in meetings. She reviewed in her mind what she would say before saying it, and went over conversations in her mind at night.
These behaviors were an attempt to make herself more comfortable. Unfortunately, in the long run, this type of phobic avoidance or "safety-blanket" behavior actually increases anxiety. The belief that saying something silly leads to being completely ostracized is an irrational fear. If an irrational fear is never challenged, the fear will grow unchecked. In other words, playing it safe makes the anxiety worse.
Whether the fear is misspeaking, or giving a presentation, or meeting new people, research shows that the key to helping a socially anxious client is directly challenging and disputing negative social expectations and fears.
One of the most effective ways of directly challenging and disputing negative social expectations and fears is using social "experiments" where the fears are directly tested. This may entail having Kate ask for help on an easy assignment or deliberately misspeaking in front of a coworker. The experiment includes predicting ahead of time what will happen and debriefing actual outcomes afterwards. Social myths are debunked and false narratives are challenged. This results in a change in future expectations and behaviors.
Outcomes of these experiments are often very surprising to the social phobic. Kate may see that when she misspoke no one seemed to notice, or a mistake at work actually makes her coworkers seem more helpful and understanding. She may begin to realize that not only are mistakes not catastrophic, they may be neutral or even somewhat positive experiences overall.
But, safety-seeking behaviors can be tricky to sniff out. Many social phobics don't even realize that they engage in them. The key is to find and replace those behavioral and physical safety blankets with true self-confidence.
Consider the following questions:
- Do you fill each conversational silence to make certain no awkward pauses occur?
- Do you only mingle with others when you have had a "stress-reducing" glass of wine?
- Do you only ask someone out by text to avoid face-to-face rejection?
- Do you plan out what you will say in great detail?
- Do you beat yourself up after conversations for saying something "dumb" or "awkward"?
- Do you shy away from making new aquaintances?
Taking social risks is frightening when you have been playing it safe. Therapy can help. By using targeted, systematic steps, you will eventually increase your self-confidence instead of merely relying on your safety blankets.
*Kate is not my client's real name. Identifying information and therapy details are changed to protect client confidentiality.