From better physical and mental health to increased longevity – marriage researchers are now documenting what many of us have known all along – finding that soul mate is a life-enhancing experience.
For some, fairy-tale images have colored our perceptions of the perfect mate since we were children. But the realities of making a marriage the happily-ever-after we dream about so often becomes a task for which we feel unprepared.
Just what is a good marriage? Outdated, misleading ideas about what makes marriages succeed or fail often make it difficult for us to know what a good marriage means. There is no shortage of “marriage myths” in our society, misconceptions that not only frustrate and confuse us, but are often the sole yardstick for judging the quality of this most important relationship. Fortunately, new research based on studies of real marriages has shed light on what makes marriage work, and why marriages fail. Armed with this crucial new information, psychologists are helping couples develop the skills that successfully married partners demonstrate. The following are but a few of the myths of marriage, followed by some new ideas based on recent marital research.
Myth #1: A good marriage is basically free of arguments. Not so, according to research. In fact, when one looks at the number of arguments couples have, there is no difference between happy and unhappy couples. In other words, there are happy couples who disagree frequently, unhappy couples who seem never to disagree, and vice versa. The key differences are twofold: 1) happy couples are not verbally or physically abusive, and 2) happy couples consistently repair the emotional damage done by arguments soon after they happen.
When couples that are successful at marriage disagree with each other, they disagree openly. In fact, some research on later-divorcing couples (couples who divorce after 10 or more years of marriage) suggests these couples keep their feelings to themselves, often distancing or tuning out from each other. The result is not being an active participant in the marriage.
Myth #2: A good marriage is impossible because men and women are from different “planets.” While many believe men and women cannot get along because they have basic differences of planetary proportions, research shows surprisingly few real differences between men and women. Both sexes appear more alike than different in what they consider important in marriage, and in important relationship skills such as the ability to experience and perceive emotions.
There are, however, some important tasks in arguments that may be gender-specific. For example, men, once physiologically stirred by an argument, typically click into fight-or-flight mode. They are more likely to become silent, or to leave the argument, in an attempt to dissociate from the angry feelings they are experiencing. Men also appear to take longer to calm down after an argument.
Women, on the other hand, are more likely to take a “tend-and-befriend” approach in an argument, often making the mistake of trying to get their partner to talk it out long after the point of useful disagreement. In happy marriages, partners learn to respect these differences. For example, wives give their husbands “space” to leave the argument, and husbands come back to the discussion when they are calm and can talk productively.
Myth #3: A good marriage sustains itself. Marriage takes time and attention. A marriage neglected and unnurtured will eventually whither and die. Research shows that successfully married, happy couples take the time to know their partner’s worries and triumphs, and share with each other their own daily struggles and surprises. They spend time together and show interest in each other. They plan “dates” and develop important family rituals, like having dinner together each evening. They maintain awareness of where their relationship stands and take steps to repair rifts whenever they occur.
So what should couples do who find themselves growing unhappy or distant with each other? The simple answer – don’t wait. Studies show troubled couples wait an average of six years before getting help, while growing further and further apart. We now have better knowledge about what makes marriages work and what makes them fail. Educate yourself on research-based marriage information, and don’t hesitate to consult a psychologist if your marriage needs help.
By Jeanne Latiolais, PsyD
Dispelling Our Culture's 'Marriage Myths'
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